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Associate instructor, Kathryn Grant, based in London, shares her journey to becoming an MHFA instructor. As well as working to deliver MHFA courses into a variety of workplaces, Kathryn is also a Service User Governor of South London and the Maudsley Trust.
Please note, this entry includes some references to suicidal thoughts that some may find distressing.
When I stand up and introduce myself to each new Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) class, I’m often a little apologetic. I’m not a mental health professional, I explain, I’m just a service user. Lately, perhaps, I have lost some of the apologetic tone. My background as an economist and management consultant, who also has a history of depression and psychosis, seems to be exactly what MHFA delegates appreciate. Reading my course evaluations, I can see now that this dynamic brings something unique to the delivery of each course.
I arrived in London, exactly fifteen years ago this month, as a fresh economics graduate with an impressive new job lined up at the Bank of England. I was a long way from home and entirely unequipped for both City work and life. Depressive episodes that I had experienced as a student quickly became more severe and limiting and I felt very alone, and very afraid. At work I was fearful of anyone finding out about my mental health issues and I soon began to think I was an imposter whose woeful inadequacies were bound to be uncovered. My academic achievements to that point must have all been a fluke and very soon I felt I would bring shame upon my family and be utterly disgraced - I was sure of it.
One winter’s day, I tidied my bedroom and wrote some practical instructions to my housemates. I then carefully wrote out some more reflective letters to each of my family. I had decided that the best course of action was to drown myself in the murky canal that I walked past on the way to the large supermarket up the road.
Thankfully, of course, I changed my plans. There wasn’t a big intervention, or an inspiring moment where I suddenly saw the light. No, it was a simple phone call from my dad. He could hear from the tone of my voice and the silence down the line how depressed I was. And, shockingly to me at the time, he asked “Kathryn. Are you thinking about ending your life?”
That question was enough to stop me in my tracks. My dad clearly loved me, with or without the depression, and that was enough that day. Fast forward another eight or nine years. I was still working in London, having made a couple of ill-advised job moves (and never disclosing my mental health condition at any point). But now I had a loving partner who knew my whole self, and despite this had just asked me to marry him. Having that stability in my home life allowed me to finally address what was still going on in terms of my (lack of) mental health at work. Instead of battling through the depression, working longer and longer hours to compensate for the cognitive difficulties, I took some time off. I was clear with senior managers about why I was off sick. I sought out considerable amounts of professional help and I took my time. After a relatively brief “phased return”, and various meetings with the company’s HR and Occupational Health representatives, I was back in my managerial role. And the same problems were there: tough targets to meet, a culture of “just get on with it”, guilt around the impact of my absence on my colleagues.
With my then-fiancé’s support, I cleared out my desk and never returned. I could never have predicted what happened next.
We got married, and soon enough were expecting a baby. Shortly after our son’s birth in November 2012 I became floridly psychotic, and hospitalised in a psychiatric Mother and Baby Unit. Postpartum psychosis was the most frightening, horrific, and life-changing experience. After three months of intensive inpatient care, and many more months of recovering at home with specialist community support, I felt lucky to be alive. I felt so grateful for my family, my new son who I adored, and for my health.
I decided from then on, that I would use my fortunate position to speak out about mental health and mental illness, and campaign for better services. The last five years have been surreal – from meeting the Duchess of Cambridge, to advising soap opera scriptwriters on a storyline involving psychosis, to being presented with the Mind Media Award for “Speaking Out”. It was also this work, and in particular my wish to provide effective peer support to families going through severe perinatal mental illness, that led me to Mental Health First Aid.
I really valued the MHFA course I went on, and immediately thought, “You know, the charities I volunteer for would really benefit from this training too...”. And so, I convinced my husband to fund my instructor training course (I can be very persuasive!) and received my accreditation in November 2015.
Again, life hasn’t quite gone according to plan. Shortly after my instructor’s course, our family went to live in the Cayman Islands (for my husband’s work). We had two stints out there, for six months and then nine months. We had a fantastic time but of course it meant I had to put my MHFA roll-out plans on hold. When we settled back in London in January 2017 and I got back in touch with the COO of MHFA England, Fionuala Bonnar, as she had delivered my instructor training. Fionuala knew my corporate background, and introduced me to the Client Experience Team who specialise in delivering MHFA training into workplaces. I am now an associate instructor and since June this year I have been delivering Workplace MHFA courses to staff in a wide variety of businesses and I haven’t looked back!
It feels like having come “full circle”. I can put on a suit again and enter a fancy Canary Wharf Office, but instead of feeling like an imposter, with no right to be there, I know I have something valuable to contribute. I get feedback there and then from my delegates (which luckily has been borne out in the formal course evaluations too!). It feels great to be able to turn my experience around and use it to provide insight to others. I genuinely feel that MHFA is changing the game for each new cohort of young people entering the workplace. I’m thrilled to be playing a part in this and I’m very proud to call myself an MHFA instructor.
I can’t wait for our 10 year anniversary event in Birmingham on 15 November. As a freelance associate instructor, I don’t often meet many other instructors so I’m looking forward to networking with fellow MHFA advocates and to spending time with the central team as well. It’s a great opportunity to celebrate our many successes in rolling out MHFA to communities all over England, and also to take some time to look together at how we progress and improve our work.
As well as loving the training element of MHFA, I’m also keen to contribute where possible to the course content as I know that MHFA England is very inclusive when updating existing products or creating new products – welcoming input from service users, such as myself, and those who have experience of delivering the course into a range of environments. Hopefully this isn’t just me being a bit hypomanic... did I mention I also have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder? :)
Kathryn can be found on twitter @KatGrant30