Pause and pose: a strategy for self-care

Mental Health First Aid advocate, Christopher Spriggs - coach and speaker on mental health and resilience - blogs for us on the importance of self-care for Mental Health First Aiders.

“Emotions are contagious” - Daniel Goleman

This blog outlines a simple strategy for self-care using the 3 points below:

Pause: Find a “mirror” which helps you reflect on how you are within yourself.

Pose: Ask the question: “How am I, really?” Listen to the feedback without judging it good or bad.

Practice the act of reflection for your own sound mental health - because it can improve your sleep, reduce your stress, improve your communication with others and sustain your work performance in the long-term.

First, a question: Have you ever caught a glimpse of how you look in a shop window as you’ve strolled past? Or perhaps a reflection of yourself in the tinted lens of a friend’s spectacles? Did you tidy your hair, or notice something else?

Unless you get to see from time to time how you’re showing up in the world (at home, work and elsewhere) and discover what everyone else can see but you can’t, how else will you know if your lipstick is smudged, or your tie is wonky…or more importantly, that things aren’t quite okay within yourself? According to Business In The Community’s Mental Health at Work report 2016, 3 out of 4 adults (77%) say they experience poor mental health at some point in their work lives.

If you’re trained in Mental Health First Aid, you’re on the frontline. You know this: You are the eyes and ears in your school or workplace, on the lookout for other people. Your antennae are constantly tuned in to potential signs and symptoms of other people’s low moods, suicidal thoughts, topsy-turvy stomach pains. And caring THIS much impacts you. ‘Giving out’ - be it your attention, heartfelt care, a listening ear, robust advice - this is not a one-way street. Because you do this so routinely and regularly you’re possibly the last one to notice something may be wonky or out of tune inside of you.

MHFA courses teach and encourage those trained to look out for themselves as well as others. It can, however, be easy to de-prioritise ‘looking after you’ as the emails mount, deadlines loom, and the needs of others you care about clamour for immediate attention. Perhaps you’re closer to burnout than you would like to admit? Remember: Strong people sometimes forget to ask for help. There’s no judgement in this, sometimes lipstick gets smudged and sometimes internal attitudes go awry. Other people’s stuff affects you. Fact. Let’s not pretend any of us are immune to what living and working in a messy world does to our own headspace.

Metaphorically, we all need a mirror to reflect from time to time, to check we’re okay - not so much the lipstick or tie, but the ‘inside’ stuff which is easy to miss: Attitudes, ruminations, opinions from others that stick in your mind, like something very sticky, which disrupts sleep, reduces productivity and interferes with being present for others.

Here’s the thing: Because so much of this happens inside your head it is all invisible to you.

Sometimes you need to “Pause and Pose”. Let me explain.

The choice to pause and notice how you are beneath the surface of a BusyBusy life triggers important brain changes: As respected author Jonah Lehrer points out in his book “The Decisive Moment”, the act of pausing expands your awareness, increases blood flow to the pre-frontal cortex (where you do your tip-top strategic thinking), which releases feel-good chemicals, which then protects the immune system.

As I’m not a neuroscientist, I would just say: You are not a Lego person who can swap heads. Your mind, body and emotions are all one joined-up thing. Pausing - whether a walk in the park or taking some deep breaths - and posing the question “How am I - really?” affects the whole of you.

So, when was the last time you created breathing space to ‘pause and pose’ and reflect on how you are, really? For some, a daily journal helps. For others a monthly coaching/supervision space creates that opportunity. You have to decide on your own approach.

How can you do this? Here’s a tip: Know your preference but - at least sometimes - do the opposite. By choosing something opposite to your preference you’ll get a fresher, more surprising perspective.

For example: For those that prefer solitude? I’d say go and take a friend out for lunch and ask them straight up: “How do you think I am? What can you see about my behaviour that I might not?” Be brave in externalising your questions, good friends speak incisively. Get out of your head and into receiving some feedback.

For those that typically like the group-buzz and are more extroverted by nature? I’d suggest taking yourself for a 20-minute walk in a safe quiet place and tune into your surroundings. As you let your mental chatter settle down, jot yourself an email (or draw on a post-it, or talk aloud to yourself) what you’re really feeling, thinking, noticing in your body. Use these sentence stems: “I’m thinking (such and such)… I’m feeling (this and that)… I’m noticing (oh, my shoulders ache)….Therefore I think I need to (do so and so)….” Experiment. Find what works.

The important thing here and what this particular strategy is about is to get some data outside of your usual default mode. Surprise yourself. That’s what a mirror does sometimes.

In summary:

Step 1: Pause: Find a “mirror” you can reflect in, be it a trusted friend, a small group or nature. Or all three.

Step 2: Pose the question: How am I really (beneath the surface)? Listen to the feedback without judging it good/bad. Whether it’s your friend’s observation or your own body clues.

Step 3: Practice reflecting as if your own mental health depends upon it. Because it does. Whether this is daily, weekly or monthly is up to you.

And hey, it’s okay your friend thought you were giving them stunning eye contact when you caught a reflection of yourself in their spectacles. You were multi-tasking, right? Listening to them exquisitely AND tidying up your hair.

Now, everyone’s happy.

To find out more about Christopher Spriggs and his coaching work check out his website www.christopherspriggs.co.uk or find him on Twitter @ThinkSpriggs